It's not much fun being ill. I still smile for my friends, but it's not much.

I'll tell you a story about my first love. She actually coerced me into getting my ear pierced, and she contrived for this to happen. I was 16 and so was she. It was illegal, but that was part of the fun. I did it all because I wanted to fuck her. But she did it for the same reason? At the end of the day, everyone was happy, but my ear was sore. Not much of a story, but nothing ever is. Two kids in love, could it be more boring.
posted by adept256 at 6:20 AM on June 9 [4 favorites]

My early love stories are sad and awkward, just like myself at that age.
posted by notoriety public at 6:23 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I don't think I ever romanticized having or finding my "first love," and when I think back on my early relationships I don't really have rose-colored glasses about most of them.

There is one past relationship, not my first, that I think if circumstances were different we could have had a longer, happy relationship. The relationship ended because we were both moving to different places around the same time, so no bad blood in the breakup, which was actually unspoken and just a "well, that's it I guess". I felt we fit well together, similar interests and personalities, and, frankly, my current wife of twenty years is a lot like the woman from that past relationship, so that's my only wistfulness about "first" loves.

In weird overlaps, last night I also had a similar dream (which is rare to remember my dreams in the first place) -- two of my past girlfriends were working in the same office, and I was there for my work, a "I'm here to fix the printer" sort of thing. There was mild flirtation, but otherwise very businesslike and boring. One of those two I'm friends with on LinkedIn and we talk sometimes (we were professional colleagues before the short relationship, which we both realized wouldn't work in the long term), the other I haven't seen or heard from in thirty years (a rebound relationship which I was definitely not ready for).

Like notoriety public, past relationships generally didn't work out for real reasons that are more apparent in hindsight than at the time, so for the significant relationships in my memory there's more about what went wrong than what went right. I specifically recall feeling in my youth like tumultuous relationships were powerful and real and meant something, but now, oh, sweet, innocent young-Azrael, there were so many red flags in both sides' behavior.

In everything else: as I mentioned in last week's freethread and an Askme about 'dry needling', my shoulder pain is still around. I'm on day ten of constant aching pain, probably around a '5' on the vague chart they ask you to quantify from in the walk-in clinic, but peaking up to probably an 8 depending on what I'm doing. It disrupts my train of thought, I have trouble sleeping because I can't find a pain-free position, it is causing a low-level nausea that makes me indifferent to eating, and my wife noticed my mood is definitely affected too despite my stoicness. I spent Sunday on the couch in the most comfortable position I could find, scrolling Instagram, and doing nothing else. It's no fun. I have a hard deadline at the end of June for a project at work, and this isn't helping.

For film-student stuff, too, this is affecting my to-do list for projects that I have in the works -- the pain is a low level, full-body tinnitus that disrupts everything. Hopefully the PT appointment tomorrow brings something that can help.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:42 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I typed up something detailed about my first love, deleted it, then typed up something general about the three guys I have loved, and deleted that. I've wasted enough of my life on them.

Instead, I'd like to talk about my first published book. I finalized the title of it yesterday (with some help from you good people!). It's to be called Insupportable: Why We're Losing People to Lies and Hate and What We Can Do About It. I aim to have the manuscript ready to turn over to my publisher next Monday, which will take some nose-to-the-laptop work from me this week, and then it will be published end of September. It feels so good to be thinking about something real and exciting and present instead of dusty old griefs and regrets.
posted by orange swan at 6:53 AM on June 9 [27 favorites]

My first love is my only one and we¡¯ve been together fourteen years. I sometimes I think all of the rest of the bad luck I¡¯ve been dealt in life was in exchange for letting me meet that person early on. I wouldn¡¯t trade that for anything.

The wildfire smoke is getting both of us pretty bad over here¡­ their asthma isn¡¯t controlled at all yet (mine is semi-controlled) so it¡¯s an even rougher time for them. We¡¯re both new to the asthma thing so not sure what else we should be doing other than keeping the windows closed, using n95s outside, and taking albuterol every four hours¡­ any seasoned asthmatics are welcome to advise.
posted by brook horse at 6:55 AM on June 9 [7 favorites]

An internal air filter might help? Just having windows closed will generally keep the air quality inside significantly better than outside, but an air filter might be needed beyond that. I got one back in January when I had my most recent (and quite severe) asthma flareup, although when I plugged it in, it reported 003 AQI or less, even when it wasn¡¯t doing anything. So air quality was not any part of my problem.

However, we were getting a good bit of the Canada smoke in Chicago last week, and one of my houseguest¡¯s cats has breathing issues so we dug the filter out again. It was reporting 40 AQI inside, which is worth running a filter at, if you¡¯re sensitive.

My recommendation is to get one that¡¯s good enough to have an air quality display, because that will tell you directly how much you need it when you first turn it on, and how much benefit you get after it¡¯s had time to work.
posted by notoriety public at 7:08 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

My first love and I drifted off after college, and I lost touch with her a few years ago. AFAIK, she's still single.
My kid's in Japan for training, and today was her first day at work there. After work, the guys took her out for beer and sushi. They tried to hook her up with one of them, until they found out that she's a decade younger than they are. They immediately stopped because of the age difference.
I'm jealous because US companies schedule things to miss as little work as possible. I've had to leave conferences early, because I was expected at work the next day. She left on a Friday, and is returning on a Monday, so she has 3 full weekends to sightsee for 2 weeks of training.
posted by Spike Glee at 7:17 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

You make it sound like you are one bong rip from death. You're probably safe ok? relax.

I've been waiting for a way to say it, but there's no

i had heart surgery last month and that's the last time.

I'm not a dramatist, I don't even know how to do this. sorry.
posted by adept256 at 7:22 AM on June 9 [9 favorites]

I've always made fairly shitty decisions when it comes to love. I put myself second from the very beginning. When I think about first loves, I return to other vivid memories: the first time I heard the call to prayer; my first swim class as a toddler; my first beach campout in Southern California; my first night out at Burning Man; the first time I went dancing in a gay bar. These things continue to nourish and reinforce the best parts of me, as I always imagined true love would do. I haven't been lucky to experience that with a One True Human, nor do I think I ever will. Thankfully I have so many other, more enduring kinds.
posted by mykescipark at 7:23 AM on June 9 [5 favorites]

ah love, and I see you're driving at romantic love with the question

but my impressions/memories from way back yield: mother. I still have some residual glimpse of how she was absolutely the most important person in my world for those first years of having a brain that could retain memories. She knew everything, she could solve anything, she was the best. This blended into sisters, and increasingly the younger of two (older) sisters. We could spend hours together and it was great. Then I made my first real friend, and from 6-8 years, with a break from 8-12, then resumed till I moved away at 15: potent love. He was a year older, and I adored that guy.

first romantic stirrings would have been my first year riding school bus, and some weird chemical thing happened in my brain and for an intense few weeks I was consumed with powerful feelings for an older girl on the bus. I vividly remember the whole-body feelings of terror and other things my young brain knew nothing about, and wouldn't for years, but moving forward on the bus to sit next to her for the last couple of minutes of a long bus ride. I couldn't even look at her. Then she came and babysat once and my sisters, the ones I loved so much, told her of my crush and it destroyed me.

Shortly after this I got it in my head that I loved a girl a grade above me, Grade 3 (incidentally also a crush of my Very Best Friend) and I got my sister to help draft a love letter with a gift and that went about as well as you can imagine. Funny and farcical in hindsight, but it really blew up in my face. When I was 13/14 I started dating for the first time, a girl who lived in town, and that was nice. A school dance, one or two movies in town (town trips being a real question of logistics for me, being almost a half hour out, in the sticks). I remember buying her an exorbitant gift, a pair of giant plush lovebirds on a perch, from a shop in town. She gifted me with a cassette tape of Falco, because "Rock Me Amadeus" was life-changing for about 6-7 months of our lives. Then summer happened and our close circle of friends (you know how it is in the boonies, any kids in your age range within an 8 mile radius) had our first Drinking house party and at some point I'm sitting next to a girl a year younger than me and she's upset about her boyfriend and next thing I know I'm learning how to neck. And that summer, Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Pleasuredome" was the soundtrack to moving way too fast for a 14-15 year old kid and even I knew that when I stomped hard on the brakes and ended things, the summer was coming to an end, and we moved away from all of it, forever. The last night in the kitchen I was sobbing into my friend's mother's skirts because the place I loved so much was being torn from me.

This is all "love" in my books, but we use so many words for things.
posted by Didymus at 7:27 AM on June 9 [5 favorites]

The more I go on the more certain I am that my one true love is the city of Chicago.
posted by phunniemee at 7:34 AM on June 9 [9 favorites]

You make it sound like you are one bong rip from death. You're probably safe ok? relax.

I am not sure if this is directed at me? But I have severe asthma and have had repeated episodes of reduced ability to breathe even with my inhaler. They don¡¯t impair my lung function enough to be a danger to me but they do make me feel like absolute shit, and I would like to not feel like that. I¡¯m not worried about the smoke killing me, I would just like to be able to function.

Notoriety public, thank you for the advice! I was thinking about one of those but wasn¡¯t sure how much they actually work vs marketing hype, so I appreciate the perspective of someone who has used one. Being able to measure indoor AQI is a great thought¡ªespecially because we¡¯ve also had issues with apartment neighbors¡¯ marijuana smoke
coming in our windows and I¡¯ve wondered if that¡¯s contributed to my symptoms too. Would be cool if I could find one with a little beep or something that would alert me to close the windows if there¡¯s stuff coming in.
posted by brook horse at 7:44 AM on June 9 [6 favorites]

The more I go on the more certain I am that my one true love is the city of Chicago.

love of place would be a good topic

you grow to love a place by knowing it. When you have to leave something you love you leave parts of yourself. It's a traumatic loss from my experience, and I think about that every time I meet people who were forced to leave their country of birth.
posted by Didymus at 7:48 AM on June 9 [4 favorites]

We will be in Italy in ten days and then in Romania, yet again at the start of July.

We are sort of kicking the tires on southern Italy as a place to live after we eventually leave the US. There are a lot of if's to that, if we get to leave, if we leave on our own terms, if we can stay in the US long enough to have the money to do it, etc. If, if, if.

I'll be glad to see Romania again, too. Honestly, I have warmer feelings of home there than I do when I visit my family in Kentucky. And why not? Comrade Doll's family is actually happy to see us. Romania is fun.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:54 AM on June 9 [5 favorites]

I remember the intensity of my first love, but being an awkward young jerk, that - and the rest of my early relationships - did not go well. I don't much like to recall those days.

Fate did eventually smile upon me, and I am sitting across from the woman who for 37 years has been the love of my life as well as my best friend. May you all find someone like that.

Condolences to everyone here battling health issues. I have little to complain about, other than after finishing a construction project, my body wants to act its age, with muscle and joint pain. Nothing that rest and a nice bike ride won't fix.
posted by Artful Codger at 7:55 AM on June 9 [7 favorites]

My first love was Charlotte A Cavatica. She was a good friend.
posted by SPrintF at 7:58 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

My first love was the woman sitting behind me in civics class who hit on me. We had some good times together. But I went off to college in Minnesota, and she went off to Kansas State. And then started seeing someone else there? I came back for the summer and won that competition. But as a couple more years passed, it did seem like we were not long-term compatible, (she wanted to be a cop, I wanted to smoke pot). And that ended.

But then the woman I have been with now for 40 years, (who also had hit on me, while we were tripping balls and I said no, as I was taken at that point), got together. And we have had a pretty wonderful life, (couple of really bad points, but overall).

And now that seems to be ending. And I have no idea what to do.

Places: Yellowstone, Seattle, Olympic National Park, Dillon CO.
posted by Windopaene at 8:08 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

I am not sure if this is directed at me?

It is directed at you. I was responding to your comment. I'm scared of dying. It's the only thing I think about lately, it's always on my mind. I consider your problems trivial in comparison. Consider yourself lucky.

It's been about six weeks. I've had time to figure out how I'm going to tell people, but when it comes to the moment, there's no easy way. Goodbye mefi, I love you.
posted by adept256 at 8:23 AM on June 9 [10 favorites]

Currently on my search to find a place I can love and doesn't aggravate my migraines. I've check out Lisbon and Barcelona and next on my list is Bordeaux, then Paris. I've gone through some big towns, cities, and villages on this trip and it's interesting how looking at theses areas as places to move to, not just vacation trips changes my impression of them.

My endo continues to act up though and if surgery is required that's going to delay everything
posted by Art_Pot at 8:25 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

My first love was a boy in fifth grade with a name so soap-operatic that I can't say it here because he has to be the only one in the world with it. I asked my PE teacher to pair us up during the square dancing unit. I got teased for it but whatever, he was really really cute and nice.

I recently discovered that another boy I was dear friends with at a young age (six to nine) died in 2015. We never saw each other after I left Seoul, he became a beloved electronic music artist apparently. The fact that he is not out in the world now makes me very sad and confused. He gave me the world's ugliest stuffed animal- a monkey with a plastic face, holding a banana. I cherished that terrifying thing for years.
posted by PussKillian at 8:30 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

adept256: "It is directed at you. I was responding to your comment. I'm scared of dying. It's the only thing I think about lately, it's always on my mind. I consider your problems trivial in comparison. Consider yourself lucky."

Did you know that people who can't breathe... also die? Christ.

If you need to lash out at someone, the multiple shit on Lemkin threads are still open.
posted by phunniemee at 8:32 AM on June 9 [6 favorites]

My first love's name was Neesie. Third grade, so...can one even call that love? And then tragedy: fourth gtade started and no Neesie. No explanation from teacher or parents. It was many years later, when I was 14 or so, that I learned she had died of cancer. That molded my approach to later relationships...and not, in retrospect, for the better.
posted by Token Meme at 8:33 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

10th grade Spanish, which I was a language nerd and did well and enjoyed. Super hot, super popular girl started sitting behind me, sooo nice and she smelled sooo good. I was only medium popular, because being on three different sports teams largely cancelled out my D&D nerd status in the early 80s, and buff as hell but with zero game or confidence. She'd wait til I finished a quiz and started reading my science fiction novel, and then she'd whisper questions to me and I'd write the answers in the margins of the book. I'd come up with total Doofus Nerd Teen Boy fantasy scenarios where I rescued her from orcs or whatever, but she was so far out of my league I never said a word about it.

About five years later, I was home from college and went to the mall all Stranger Things style for an Orange Julius, having acquired enough confidence to date women in my league. I bumped into her out with her boyfriend and she was like super happy to see me, and then introduced me to the boyfriend (who seemed totally cool) and said to him, "Remember when we were talking about high school crushes? This guy [me] is the guy I was telling you about: I couldn't figure out a way to get him to talk to me, so I'd pretend I couldn't understand Spanish and get him to give me the answers, but he was just too cool for me." Sigh.
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 8:38 AM on June 9 [4 favorites]

I¡¯m going to take issue with you as well, adept256. Asthma can fucking kill you.

When I had my serious episode in January, I was living alone. I woke up in the middle of the night with a serious spasm, almost completely unable to breathe. I was very close to passing out before I managed to briefly unclench enough to get a first inhaler hit in. If I had passed out, I likely wouldn¡¯t have made it, or at best would have suffered a severe hypoxic event.

Even beyond the very real health concern, severe spasms are fucking terrifying. You really, really, just can¡¯t breathe, and the hindbrain terror is almost overwhelming.

Don¡¯t be an asshole, this is not a joke.
posted by notoriety public at 8:47 AM on June 9 [7 favorites]

I think most of us, our first love is really the best friend we have as a teenager. Does anyone love anyone the way that a fifteen year-old loves their best friend?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:52 AM on June 9 [6 favorites]

Nobody taught me how to date so I never did that in HS. Also I was badly styled and fat and the butt of a lot of jokes and too smart. Sure had a lot of crushes, though, and no idea what to do with them. Except wank, I guess.

I got married to the person who got pregnant when a condom broke, and we made a life together, and another child. It was the right thing to do. When she kicked me out I'm not sure if my sadness was the loss of "love" or the loss of stability. We did a lot of things for each other, cared for each other, I gave her a 10 year anniversary ring, said all the right words. But she voted Republican, and I didn't like her friends much, and I think she chose them over me.

Coming up on 22 years with my current partner, and it feels more like love, at least what I think love should feel like. We can sit on a park bench together and sip coffee and share a muffin and watch people for an hour and not say anything and it's lovely.
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:53 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

Consider yourself lucky.

I chronically consider myself lucky to a problematic degree. I grew up physically abused and neglected to the point of chronic starvation, became homeless at 18, and have lived with heart, lung, joint, and neurological disorders my whole life. The fact that I live in an apartment that I can mostly get around while no one is threatening to beat me is so wildly beyond any of my childhood dreams that my therapist has to routinely drag me out of toxic positivity because I¡¯m like, well yes bad things are happening to me but I¡¯m not a starving child afraid for my life or homeless in a wheelchair anymore, so I¡¯m actually extremely lucky and blessed. She literally had to assign me anti-gratitude journaling.

So, you don¡¯t need to tell me.

Anyway, I¡¯m sorry for what you¡¯re going through. It sounds very scary and difficult. I know you¡¯re posting here because you¡¯re looking for support. I¡¯m not someone who can give that to you, but I hope you find someone who can. And please try to be kind to those of us whose problems you consider ¡°trivial¡±¡ªeven though it¡¯s tempting, it isn¡¯t really going to make you feel better to put us down.
posted by brook horse at 8:53 AM on June 9 [22 favorites]

I asked my PE teacher to pair us up during the square dancing unit.

Gettin' the right partner for middle-school PE folk-dance/square-dance is a recipe for puppy-love. I lucked out back then. But nothing lasts forever.
posted by ovvl at 9:00 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

Currently on my search to find a place I can love and doesn't aggravate my migraines. I've check out Lisbon and Barcelona and next on my list is Bordeaux, then Paris.

We only spent 3 days there in October of 2023, but I really liked Annecy (France). I still think about it a lot.
posted by Artful Codger at 9:13 AM on June 9

I need to retract some things. Again, I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing. I am really scared. I actually wanted to do this in a better way.

Man, I need help, I'm breaking down and nothing means anything anymore. Everything is ending and I can't cope. It's like there is no reason anymore. I just want to feel like there is some reason.
posted by adept256 at 9:16 AM on June 9 [22 favorites]

Does reading count as a "first love"?

Adding to notoriety public's air filter recommendations: Go ahead and spring for one with a larger capacity than you think you'll need. Cheaper models have a lower CFM (cubic feet per minute) rating, which means they'd likely have to be running at full tilt to keep the air quality up, and the noise can get really annoying after a while! I learned this the hard way, I tried to spend as little money as possible and ended up spending more on multiple machines until I got one that works without being intrusively loud. I have a Levoit Core 400 in my bedroom and a Core 600 in my living/dining/kitchen area and I'm really happy with them - whisper quiet at low fan speeds while still doing a good job of keeping the air clean.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:22 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]

For air filters, the IKEA FORNUFTIG is inexpensive and does a better job than its price might indicate. The pleated filters are less than $10 yet HEPA 12 rated. We have two, they do a very nice job in our 800sf flat.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on June 9

@brook horse, I have well controlled asthma and when we had wildfire smoke in WA State it was horrible. I second the suggestion of getting an air filter, and if you can't afford one large enough for your living room, get one that will clear the bedroom and just stay in there as much as possible. Also, talk to your doctor about the reactions you're having. You may have already explored all of the things I raise below, but I don't know any doctors who won't take the smoke issue seriously and help you with solutions.

I found that damping down my overall allergies really helped tremendously in controlling my asthma. There are new and more effective allergy medications than even 5 years ago. I would also have your partner ask about different medications. No one wants you relying on your albuterol to control wheezing. There are many long-acting inhalants and other treatments that will set your baseline for wheezing at a much better level than just relying on your rescue inhaler.

Best of luck.
posted by drossdragon at 9:26 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

adept, we are here. As a community we're maybe not doing so great right now, but imperfect as we are, flawed as we are, each of us in our own pain, we can still be with you.

We're here and you're here with us. I see your words from a continent away. I hope for the best for you.

I wish I could give you reasons. I think you will find them. A likely place to find them is in the things you love-- petting an animal, watering a plant, watching or reading some beloved old story or song.

My beloved old stories are Ursusla Le Guin. She taught me that answers come from the world speaking to us, often through quiet everyday things. So look for signs.

I will raise a glass to you today.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:32 AM on June 9 [18 favorites]

Man, I need help, I'm breaking down and nothing means anything anymore. Everything is ending and I can't cope. It's like there is no reason anymore. I just want to feel like there is some reason.

I¡¯m sorry, adept. It may not mean much, but I hear you and am thinking of you.
posted by night traveler at 9:36 AM on June 9 [6 favorites]

Sending good karma adept.
posted by whatevernot at 9:39 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

You are also in my thoughts adept.

Thank you all for the advice as well. We are both on maintenance inhalers but were recently diagnosed (me first, then once I saw improvement I went, wait, babe, I think your breathing sucks too?) so are still trying to find the right meds/dosage. I saw improvement on Advair, and we just increased it like a week before the fire smoke hit us, so I¡¯m giving that dose increase time to kick in. My partner unfortunately has had minimal response to Qvar and with the most recent dose increase doing nothing their PCP said the next step is to see a pulmonologist, so that¡¯s scheduled for July. Just trying to make it through until then. Maybe should ask about switching to Advair in the mean time though since that¡¯s a combo and Qvar isn¡¯t? We have the same PCP (though now I also see an allergist who is managing asthma as well) but were started on different maintenance inhalers due to our differing insurance (they¡¯re on Medicaid).
posted by brook horse at 9:50 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

adept, we are hearing you.

--

When I saw this question I started thinking of people - but upthread someone mentioned love of place, and I think that may actually be it for me. I grew up in small-town Eastern Connecticut, but my family took a vacation to New York City when I was ten. It was my first-ever visit; we stayed an aunt and uncle who lived in Queens, explored Chinatown and the Museum of Natural History, saw Annie on Broadway and on our last night hung out in a dive bar in Flushing where my brother and I played Pac-Man for the first time, some dude played Sinatra's "New York, New York" about five times in a row on the juke box, and the adults had a baba au rhum so potent that my uncle tried doing donuts in the parking lot with his car before we went home.

Shortly after that trip I started telling everyone that I was going to move to New York City when I grew up. My family made a few other visits through my teens, and that just cemented things, especially when I also got more into theater. I went through high school 100% convinced that I would become an actress, and have a job driving a taxi before I made it big. But I was going to be a New Yorker. My parents later said that they were surprised I wanted to move here so passionately, but I teased them - "you brought a stage-struck ten-year-old to see Annie on Broadway. What did you think was going to happen?"

....Well, 3 years of acting conservatory training taught me that I can't actually act, and seeing the traffic in Manhattan also killed the "taxi driver" option. But I discovered stage management in college and had an office-aide work-study job, so I ended up as a stage manager with a secretarial day job; and now not even the stage management is in the picture.

But I am still in love with New York. I even work for the city tourism office now, and mentioned that family trip when I first met my boss and she laughed and said I could literally have been the poster child for one of their campaigns.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:01 AM on June 9 [4 favorites]

The only times I've had relationships launch (to some degree) were the ones I got some kind of (for lack of a better word) psychic "ping" about upon meeting them--any other guys I've met/liked where the ping did not go off, nothing ever started. SIGH. So there was one in high school, one in college, one a few years after that, and the ping has never gone off again in decades. The guys eventually lost interest in me, and I haven't found anyone interested in me that I like back, or vice versa, and it really sucks. I hate being pickysexual/graysexual.

My relationship with my parents always went poorly when I was dating someone (to be fair, 2 out of 3 had issues that would legit concern a parent, can't blame 'em) and I don't think my parents ever wanted me to settle down with someone and thus they would be less prioritized. This is to say that "YOU'RE STEALING MY BABY" was definitely A Vibe. I could never figure out how to juggle the two sides since they really could not come together for my sake and the few shared meals with boyfriends didn't go great. Persephone had the right idea: never make mom and husband share you or cooperate with each other. Now that my mom is in a better relationship, I kind of wonder if this would improve any, but since I still have no pings going off, I guess we'll never know.

adept and brook horse, I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm not entirely sure what's going on with adept, but it sounds serious.

In other news, I start rehearsal today!!!! I'm psyched and READY TO GO.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:05 AM on June 9 [5 favorites]

Sending you positive mind atoms, adept.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:06 AM on June 9

One of my first loves recently reached out to me for the first time in over 40 years and I refused to answer back. I¡¯ve never regretted ending that teenage relationship but I have nothing but regrets about being in it in the first place. I have, or had anyway, bad taste in men. I probably still do but I walked away from all that, or, honestly, it all walked away from me. Sometimes I wish I had managed to meet the right guy or date the right guy or not fled from a couple of could probably have been the right guys at the first sign of trouble but I¡¯m a bolter by nature. Why fight when flight is right there?

Anyway, I used to fall in love a lot. I¡¯ve been married twice (although the first one, I was pregnant and 19 and we were both sort of good Catholic kids and I don¡¯t think it counted. It lasted 2 years all in all.) I¡¯ve been in a couple of long term serious relationships. And I¡¯ve been single now for over a decade and I don¡¯t miss romantic love. But in the interest of absolute honesty, I must admit that when my first serious college boyfriend, the guy I was pretty sure I was really honestly truly in love with and I may have been right, the one relationship I regret ending, favorites something of mine on Instagram my heart goes pitter pat.

Now love love, that¡¯s different. I love my kids, my brothers, my grandchild even though all of them drive me crazy occasionally. That¡¯s like bone love, deep love, the love where you might not be speaking to them at the moment but if something bad happens you will be there to help. I love my close friends like this too and they don¡¯t actually drive me crazy. I wish they were not all so far away. I love my darling dog and my cantankerous cat. I love this beautiful terrible wonderful place where I live. And most of all I love it when the light hits the fog in a certain way and something everything is illuminated, like pine needles or dust or a glint off the water and it just makes my heart come into my throat with the glory and the beauty of the world. I love this planet.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:08 AM on June 9 [16 favorites]

for those of us fortunate to make it to "mature love" whatever that means, but I mean after the hot explosions of hormones and the emphasis on sex, that's all great, but what about Now, because I'm finding more and more my heart catches in my throat over every little thing.. yesterday I retrieved two hats from the house because she was under the sun in the garden and came down and held them over the fence and she took the one hat and I said "this one has a wider brim?" but she said "but this one's my hat" and kind of pushed her hair back and put it on and just a little smile, I was already turning to go back up to the house. Not 20 min later she has gone in to change and comes out with her ballcap on, the Blue Jays one

so I'm feeling like love is where you arrive when you see the end of things you care as much as you can care about. your people, your dogs, etc. You see the end and you have to accept it, and really try to make the most of everything you get before that end.
posted by Didymus at 10:19 AM on June 9 [7 favorites]

My kid is 16 years old and hasn't had a gf yet. (And wow he is looking. Tall, slim teenager with a big smile and a Roman nose, available to meet your teen daughters.)

Anyway, he asked me what first love feels like and I said, "You know the feeling you get when your favorite band steps onstage, right before they start to play? That's what it feels like they walk into the room."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:25 AM on June 9 [6 favorites]

I feel like I should walk it back a bit too. I think I was reacting excessively too, driven by the memory of terror. And I see adept256¡¯s terror now too. I¡¯m sorry.
posted by notoriety public at 10:26 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]

I too grew up as a kid in small-town eastern Connecticut, at least for a few years. I am also roughly the same age as EC. Wouldn't it be weird if we went to the same elementary school? (Though looking on Google Maps I can see the town I lived in abandoned the little brick elementary school and it's now a strip mall or similar. Time is relentless.)

My brain sabotages me when it comes to romantic love, and now in my late 50s I've long since given up on the concept. But I find myself wistful about "missed opportunities" from my youth and wonder what kind of better human I might have been with a "normal" brain. Ah, well.
posted by maxwelton at 10:46 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

adept256...

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Mortality is very hard to come to grips with. Everyone but Jesus dies I guess. Think about all the good that you have done in your life. Try to enjoy every sandwich.

I haven't had much purpose for the last 13 years. And now my only purpose, seems to be going away. I too, am very scared. I sometimes wish the surgeons and doctors and nurses had not saved me. It's all been downhill since then.

If you are about to die, we will all miss your contributions.
posted by Windopaene at 10:58 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I am here in my first chat thread to write two answers to the same question... one is for the ones who died and left me early and the other is for the one who wants only death to part us...

I didn't think I'd say this until my fingers started typing... I began with a smirk knowing the old man was reading this and he desperately wants to know where our love stands against the backdrop of the perspective of now rather older middle-aged lives

but the minute I thought of all boys I loved before I knew what boys were or even love (grade school) Australian, Malaysian Chinese, Irish.. a lot of Irish, I suddenly recalled my first love - met at age 8 on my first day in a new school - who passed on from cancer just 6 months ago... he will never see his 60th birthday... I never thought he'd be the first to go ... he was the leader of our class and the head boy of our school ... you know the type, the captain of the football team etc I think he defines my primary and secondary schooling

then the boy who sat down next to me in college... he died of a heart operation just a day after what seemed to be a recovery, just two years ago, he'll never see 60 either... he yes he defines my college years far far more than my actual boyfriend... less for the love I had for him and more for his constancy even in the midst of his delinquency... a pothead and a loner

All of us are born on the same date of the same year but one was exactly a month ahead of me and the other exactly two months after...

This

This most recent loss led me to propose to the old man - all my loves are dying, please can we grab the few unknown and uncertain remaining days weeks or years together right now please please please don't die too you are older and more closer to the sun

hurry up
don't take life for granted
love me now
posted by infini at 11:37 AM on June 9 [14 favorites]

I too grew up as a kid in small-town eastern Connecticut, at least for a few years. I am also roughly the same age as EC. Wouldn't it be weird if we went to the same elementary school?

Just memailed you so we can figure this out because dang I want to know now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:58 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]

adept256, what you are going through is so immense and horrible. I hope you will find a way.

A close friend of mine called me to say he was going to die of an incurable cancer. It was a very sad but also warm conversation. His main point was that he wanted his friends to be with him during the whole time: he lost a wife many years ago and everyone stayed away to give them peace, but he just felt it was lonely. I wish I'd known back then. I feel he was very brave to say this out loud to me, and doubtless to many others. Some things he said on the phone then, and other things he has said later made me realize that he is also mending rifts in his life, and opening up about his feelings.

I think it's great that you are being open and direct about your feelings here, even though it is a bit rough right now.
posted by mumimor at 12:10 PM on June 9 [3 favorites]

My first loves where GI Joe and Nintendo, and my PE teacher, who was also a lifeguard at the local pool in the summer. She was about 20 years older than me. I grew up in a small town, where there were only 12 girls in my grade and I wasn't popular enough to get much of their time, and the other grades were even smaller and filled with my siblings and cousins, so my first real love wasn't until college. My gym teacher lives next door to my parents now. That's cool. She has met my wife and kids.

edit: She wasn't a creep, she was a great teacher, I was 6. My love was only in my head.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:11 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]

I'm not always good at properly expressing concern, sorrow, and condolences, but I do feel the pain of adept and others having difficulties. This business of life (and its closing) can be hard and callous. I wish you all the best, however that works out for each person.

In other news, I finally got the air and fluid settings on my spray gun (which is larger than an airbrush and can handle thicker medium, but also has the capacity to deposit a lot more of that medium over a larger area) worked out so that it neither wildly gushes paint all over nor sputters out weak splots, but instead adequately and without drama covers the area I want it to cover. This took a few tries and made a few messes, but last night I was finally able to prime a sheet of paper with a layer of gesso, so now I can start planning exactly how I'm going to actually accomplish that. A small but welcome victory.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:25 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

RIP, Sly Stone. Can somebody get cooking on a real obit before someone sticks us with a single linker?

Sly deserves the full treatment.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:27 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]

Oh no, that is terrible...

Just going to keep happening to all of us old rockers.
posted by Windopaene at 1:32 PM on June 9

My first love was Cyndi Lauper. I was absolutely obsessive and kept a secret little scrapbook of press clippings and everything. In hindsight I'm not quite sure what it was about her that made me swoon, but I could have done a lot worse. My first crush on a person I actually knew, that's a pretty pathetic story. I was 13, she was like 17, and being in the same room with her hurt. The one time I worked up the nerve to speak to her, I told her that her head was shaped like an apple. Jesus Christ, young me.

Now that I think of it Cyndi Lauper also has a head that's kind of shaped like an apple, roundish and tapering down to a pointy little chin. Guess I just had a thing for girls with apple-shaped heads.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:32 PM on June 9 [4 favorites]

I'm scared of dying.

Why is dying a scary thing for you?

Serious question. I know it is a scary thing for a lot of people, but everybody seems to have different reasons why. I'd be interested to learn what yours are, if you're up for sharing them.

It's the only thing I think about lately, it's always on my mind.

With any luck, getting it out onto the page will help it bother you less.

I'm not frightened of dying. In fact it's on my bucket list. It's in last place after all the other things, because by all accounts it's the kind of activity that puts quite a crimp in being able to experience anything else afterwards, but it's definitely on the list of experiences I'm looking forward to being in to the fullest when the time comes. There's no avoiding it so I might as well plan to pay attention to the process as intensely as I can for as long as I can. I only get to do it just the once and I'd hate to waste it.

When I get to that point I like to think I'll be going into the thing in a spirit of curious and honest inquiry.

My mother died with an expression on her face that could only be described as puzzled, like she was chewing on a particularly abstruse cryptic crossword clue. I would like for my own corpse to show about that much puzzlement as well, maybe with a bit of delight at the absurdity of it as well if I can swing it.

So what is it, for you, that stands between the proximity of your own death and the possibility of it being a good one?
posted by flabdablet at 1:41 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I met my first love when I was a junior in highschool. We were in detention for some serious stuff- a gun on me and throwing knives on her.I was pretty shy back then and sat at a table by myself and was working on a creative writing assignment, a Hemingway parody. She crept up behind me and read over my shoulder then started laughing. She was from the other side of the tracks but we hit it off and became friends and that's where things stayed for a long while.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 1:53 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

Very nice flabdablet

I am too much of a narcissist to ever be willing to accept death. Then the most important person in the Universe is no longer around. So I'm going to fight that fight as long as I can. Because I think then there is nothing. And maybe I will do something good until then.
posted by Windopaene at 1:54 PM on June 9

so now I can start planning exactly how I'm going to actually accomplish that.

"That" being the painting I have in mind. (sorry, got distracted and hit 'Post' without realizing I wasn't finished editing, and didn't notice until just now. Happy Monday, whee...)
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:58 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]

I think it was Jesus, but for all the wrong reasons. I saw his picture in lots of books and in those crucifixion/resurrection pictures he always looked so hot. Not all of them. In those Warner Sallman Christ's high school yearbook paintings I thought he looked kind and loving. But some of those, taking him down from the cross, or preparing the body paintings, well, made this young queer boy blush. Caravaggio, Mantegna, Bronzino, those boys could paint a hot Jesus. Pietas and lamentations could give this young soul quite the boner. Then I saw Ted Neeley in Jesus Christ Superstar and I was completely smitten with the guy. So loving, wise, and compassionate. And what a voice. Cute, long hair, wore natural fibers in earthtones. But soon I learned that my conceptions of the guy were as inaccurate as his abs in that those representations had nothing at all to do with crosses and Christianity I saw around me. It wasn't about love, as practiced it was about division and othering. So we broke up, and I haven't looked back. I hear he's into some real dark shit these days.
posted by Stanczyk at 2:12 PM on June 9 [3 favorites]

Adept, I posted my comment before I'd read about what you were you going through. I'm sorry you're hurting like this. I had a time years ago when I thought I was terminal and it was absolutely horrible. It turned out things weren't as bleak as I'd been led to believe. Has a doctor told you, in so many words, that you will die soon? Is it possible you have other treatment options you're not considering, or that another doctor would see things differently?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:45 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I'm still too bruised from a 2018 divorce to be even thinking about the possibility of romance. But my first love, when I was 16, for our first date we went on a picnic in the park, and we had crackers and strawberries and cheese and grapes and ginger ale, on a bright and sunny June afternoon like this one, and we were both awkward and at ease in that young-love way. She's still a friend, 40+ years later.
posted by vitia at 3:35 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

In thinking of first loves, it occurred to me that I'm not connected to any exes on the socials, unless it's unwittingly through an obscure username that slipped past me.
posted by emelenjr at 3:52 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]

Does reading count as a "first love"?

Works for me. I read my dad's copy of Jack Vance's The Dying Earth when I was 7, followed by Ella Young's The Unicorn with Silver Shoes (published in the 20s, she was a friend of Yeats', I found out later) and I was done and dusted right there. Reading has been my friend, companion, consolation, excitement and transcendence my whole life.

Harriet the Spy has to take on a lot of responsibility here too.
posted by jokeefe at 4:51 PM on June 9 [3 favorites]

Not quite my first love, but as a pre-teen I was obsessed with this recording of Vadim Brodski and the Polish National Radio Symphony Orchestra playing Sibelius' Violin Concerto in D minor.
posted by nikoniko at 5:06 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I guess my first love was my college boyfriend and he kind of put me through the wringer (nothing abusive but just messy, mostly). But I don't romanticize that.

I had early crushes but they were also sort of boring.

My adult relationships (all two of 'em) have been good and ended with no hard feelings (well, one ended because he moved to another country so ...).

In my heart, I'm a romantic. In reality, well, I'm kind of practical about things.

I am on the queerish spectrum (more biromantic, honestly) so yeah, my first true loves were girl friends. I definitely had girl crushes. One of my forever besties told me she's the reason why she realized she was gay and I don't mean that in a conceited way but I was really honored. (We are still forever besties and always will be.)

Anyway, I reflect often on something my mom said when I was being a mopey 30-something moping over a manboy who didn't deserve it -- she said "your heart is always 16." That's both beautiful and painful but I love it.
posted by edencosmic at 8:10 PM on June 9 [2 favorites]

I have lots of free time this week. I got off at 7am Monday morning and don't have to be back until Friday night so I'm trying to engage with my apolitical housemates about what's happening in California.

None of us voted. Tennessee makes it difficult if you don't have a stable address and the state went heavily in the wrong direction anyway. I regularly find myself in conversations that are full of phobias and I want out of here.

I miss my farm, I miss my housemates young children, I miss being part of an indivisible unit. I'm trying to create a new one.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 10:31 PM on June 9 [8 favorites]

I miss my farm, I miss my housemates young children, I miss being part of an indivisible unit. I'm trying to create a new one.

Do not despair, Mr.Yuck. You have the essential ingredient, the abundant love that is so evidently in your heart and the motivation too- this is something you really want. Good to know then that it is possible. It can be done and you can do it.

One of the surprises of older life is that almost everything is still possible. I changed career at 60 and to my astonishment and overwhelming sense of privilege, found myself in a whole new field in a new country. At 68, having been a bean pole, round shouldered academic for ever, I finally tired of putting my back out - it's what happens when you sit reading hour after hour, day after day in your favourite comfy chair- and decided to get fit. At 69 I was more muscled up than ever in my life - as one of my disbelieving sons said, Dad, it's a miracle but you are buff! Hehe.

That's miracle with a small 'm' - the biggie was yet to come. My wife and I always had a deep visceral connection, our love making was searingly intense our wars no less so, exhausting, draining, debilitating, hurtful and horrible. The wars got worse, the love making less frequent, leaving aching, cavernous holes in us both. She cried. I raged. For years. Then it happened. God knows how. We set aside our egos - man, that sucker needs tearing out by the roots, eviscerate the ego. We rowed towards each other in our lonely little barques on the great ocean of hope til we met. We've been on our honeymoon for 5 years. I'm 75 next month.

She asked me yesterday what would you do, were I to die soon and before you? Images of devastation passed before me and then cleared. "I'd start again. Build a new life. Start all over again from scratch." I know it can be done. It is never, never, ever too late. NEVER. Go out and get the life you want, Yuckster, seize it in both hands, make it yours.
posted by dutchrick at 1:12 AM on June 10 [19 favorites]

For Windopaene
posted by flabdablet at 1:13 AM on June 10 [1 favorite]

dutchrick, thank you for sharing what I didn't know I needed to hear
posted by infini at 2:01 AM on June 10 [3 favorites]

We have four baby robins in the nest we¡¯re watching. Nervously hoping they make it to fledge.

I¡¯m pretty tired lately I think owing to this whole process of cleaning out my husband¡¯s Oma¡¯s house. Weekends are mostly physically and emotionally draining. But I still find things to bring me joy. I brought the big camera last clean out session and ditched everyone for a bit to follow a loon down the lake. Wound up walking down the road a fair way until it was close enough to shore to take some pictures of. Got a few decent ones despite the choppy water.

I also got some pictures of butterflies in flight, as well as a chipmunk that surprised me (well, I think we surprised each other). It popped up out of an old outdoor wood fired oven my husband¡¯s late grandfather made, just a handful of strides away from me and we stared at each other for while.

I¡¯m going to try one last time to plant tomatoes this year on my property. We don¡¯t have enough sun and last year¡¯s efforts only yielded a few green ones. We had some landscaping done last year which included a bed against the sunny wall of the house. So I¡¯ll sink some oyas and put a few plants in. That¡¯s next weekend¡¯s job. Oma used to grow lots of tomatoes, and that¡¯s something my husband misses. So we¡¯ll see if there¡¯s a shot at continuing that tradition.
posted by eekernohan at 3:38 AM on June 10 [4 favorites]

dutchrick, I wasn't expecting to get emotional and teary on a Tuesday morning...but here I am. Lovely post. Thanks!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]

The city of Toronto hired some goats to eat excess greenery in Brickworks Park. I went to see them. They were very nice goats.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:38 PM on June 10 [1 favorite]

For some reason, Whitsun is very holy here in Denmark, and Sunday and Monday almost everything was completely closed, shuttered down and locked. It might seem strange, given that we are one of the least religious countries in the world, but it's the unions. They fight for every single national holiday and I am thankful for that. This year, all the religions had holidays at the same time so the very quiet streets were filled with people in festive clothes carrying large amounts of food.
In my family, we had two gatherings: first the 60th birthday of my brother, which was wonderful. Then a family dinner/lunch at my place. Both were meals where we sat at the table for hours on end with lots of servings and deep conversations. For me, this is life. At my brother's there some really raw/real conversations that were strangely heartwarming, including some amazing speeches. Here at home it was more about the wonder of grandchildren and building new families. Both were great.
posted by mumimor at 12:48 PM on June 10 [5 favorites]

I will tell the tale not of my first love, but my last:

I'd known her for a few years, not sure how many. She was friends with another friend I was in a not-really-a-band with. I think the first time I saw her was when I went to drop off a CD at the not-bandmates house.
We moved in similar circles, so we'd bump into her every now and then, flirt a little, then go on with our lives. I though she was cute, but that was about it.
Then, one day, I went with my roommate to a party. I was sitting on the floor when she walked in. I couldn't keep my eyes of her. It wasn't so much that I was smitten as the realization that we were going to be together.
She told me later that when she saw me she knew she was going to marry me. Not like a wild romance or attraction, just that simple knowledge.
It wasn't really a choice for either of us, we just knew.
We spent the party sitting too close, at the end we were holding hands.
We've been together ever since.
That was 25 years ago.
posted by signal at 5:40 PM on June 10 [9 favorites]

The best friend I ever had died last spring. Today would have been his birthday. I feel like he would have liked turning 49 because it's a perfect square, 7x7.

Erik once told me that he liked obsessing over numbers because it seemed a harmless place to situate whatever lizard brain superstition was rolling around in his head. As someone who needs to immediately determine whether numbers in a license plate are evenly divisible by three, this made perfect sense to me.

Erik was a big believer that stereos with digital volume controls should only be set to even numbers, though perfect squares like 25 or 49 would work in a pinch, too.

When I listen to music today, I'm going to turn it all the way up for Erik. But only to the highest available even number.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:16 AM on June 11 [6 favorites]

So, not 11 then...
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 AM on June 11

Well he was autistic and another concerns he had was speaker integrity. So he wouldn't have turned it up all the way even if that number was even. So really, I think he would like one that went to 11, since 10 would be 91% of full volume, whereas 8--his highest acceptable choice otherwise--would only be 80% of full volume.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:21 PM on June 11

So my seventy-year-old at work seems to be clawing his way out of the severe schizophrenia he has suffered from since he was 14. I borrowed a car to go there for a house meeting yesterday and he called me by name and asked about the car. That astounded everyone. He would regularly refuse oral meds but the injections seem to be working. He's only talking to me and the other person who is there the most, so I rescheduled with my boss to do what's called a "peak shift," this week, a short midday shift, to try to keep him talking. I feel vindicated after arguing for the injections for months. And I feel love. I think about him when I'm not there- it's hard to explain.

I was there two hours at midday today and we went to a park with a duck pond and then lunch at KFC- his favorite. We talked about his siblings. He could recall all their names and then he asked me about mine. He didn't throw things in the restaurant. This is a BIG deal.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:41 PM on June 11 [7 favorites]

Riot Fest posts the daily schedules in just over an hour and I am hoping so hard that the leak floating around of Friday's schedule is accurate, because it would mean Weird Al is back-to-back with The Pogues and not at the same time.

I'm going with my kid and his number one artist to see is Weird Al, but I mean... look at my username. I wanna see The Pogues.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:53 AM on June 12 [1 favorite]

The Pogues are great. Too bad the National Guard will be there.

Kidding, but it's not out of the realm of possibility.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:50 AM on June 12

Mr. Yuck: ". Too bad the National Guard will be there."

They hold Riot Fest in my old neighborhood which is heavily Mexican. There's plenty to be getting on with outside the park, without having to bother any of the white folks inside the concert fencing.
posted by phunniemee at 8:07 AM on June 12

Schedules are up! I am clear for both Weird Al and the Pogues with no overlap.

The Beach Boys are up against Dropkick Murphys though and oddly that feels like a political choice in 2025.

I guess I will skip the zombie Beach Boys and go pump my fist along to Who Stands with Us?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:23 AM on June 12

I grew up in and West of Chicago when there were immigrant neighborhoods but they were Europeans. We had a translation dictionary that covered Swedish, Italian, Polish, German, French, Italian etcetera but not Spanish. We also had pocket-sized slim Polish-English translators because that was the language we needed the most. Nobody bitched about immigrants but they bitched about the blacks and blamed them for the riots

I went back in 1991 and didn't recognize the place. The house I grew up in had two cars up on blocks and weeds, 3 feet tall, in the planters my parents installed. The great Czech and Ukrainian restaurants were gone. I didn't know the city anymore so I stayed where I was discharged.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:59 PM on June 12

adept, I don't know if this will help or not, but I'm gonna suggest this podcast for you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:03 AM on June 13

My first love was a four year long relationship from my mid to late teens. She taught me what love was, she taught me about sex, she taught me some hygiene stuff I should've but didn't know. We had some wonderful and awful times together the way only teens in love can. She cheated on me and we broke up. In retrospect, I was not a great boyfriend and I can kinda see why she sought affection elsewhere. We didn't talk for almost a decade after that, but then we buried the hatchet on facebook. These days we're online acquaintances. We both went on to get married (me 15 years ago, she just recently) and I wish her nothing but happiness. The bitterness and hurt of the time after the breakup are a distant memory. I think of her very fondly now. My first love. She was funny, whip-smart, and unapologetic about who she was. She was confident enough to be out as bisexual in the late 90s - that particular hurdle would take me a few more decades to leap.She also had a depressive, self-loathing streak. We both had that issue, which could, and did lead to some pretty awful fights when we each couldn't understand the other's behavior. I love my life and wife and wouldn't trade them for anything, but I do wish I had been better to her, and there's a little piece of me that will always wonder, what if we each had been a little less unformed.... and whenever I smell white musk perfume from the body shop my brain is still instantly transported back to my room in my parents' house, lying naked together on my futon, laughing at some stupid anime. I really loved you deebs, sorry I was a dumbass dude and wasn't very good at showing it. I'm really glad you found your person.
posted by signsofrain at 8:48 PM on June 13 [1 favorite]