Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.

That is too cool. Makes me wanna chop off my own hand to further humanity's stalled evolution.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 11:17 AM on July 20, 2005 [1 favorite]

I missed the prehensile penis part, that's impressive and would be alot of fun to have, I'm sure. You could play catch with yourself or play cock wiffleball though it might sting a little.

But maybe that was because I was just thoroughly amazed that someone took the time to write a how-to website on how to have sex with dolphins.

Really, I'm truly in shock.
posted by fenriq at 11:23 AM on July 20, 2005

Well, if the question ever comes up in AskMe, I'll know where to link.

(prehensile penises! who wouldn't have prehensile penis envy?)
posted by maryh at 11:38 AM on July 20, 2005

Dear Penthouse:

I never thought this would happen to me, but...
posted by soyjoy at 11:39 AM on July 20, 2005

Believe it or not, we've actually run across this before in slightly different form. dolphinsex.org is now dead *sniff*, but the Wayback Machine has a copy.
posted by Galvatron at 11:42 AM on July 20, 2005

I pray for the poor little flipper baby that's going to be born from such a repugnant sex act. What future will this abominable child have besides being paraded on the covers of supermarket tabloid trash? Maybe Michael Jackson will adopt him.
posted by disgruntled at 11:42 AM on July 20, 2005

Well, in "The Cosmic Connection" Carl Sagan included an anecdote about having been molested (there's no other word to it, really) by a randy dolphin in a pool...then realising that the dolphin had spent weeks in a research project under the sole supervision of a female researcher.

Well, it was the seventies, I guess...
posted by Skeptic at 11:45 AM on July 20, 2005

Dickie the Dolphin starts bottom of page 447, Native Tongue, by Carl Hiaasen
posted by ElvisJesus at 11:47 AM on July 20, 2005

Once, way back in the dark ages (like 1996 or so), me and some freidns decided to set up a really nasty egroup and see who joined. We considered "Felching Rabbis", we debated "Corpse Buggerers", but in the end we went with the simple "Sex With Fish" egroup.

Now, in the days before Yahoo assimilated egroups, it took a lot of effort to stand out in in the slime there. But without any marketing, advertising, publicity, or even posting, "Sex With Fish" gradually attracted over a thousand members. Probably most of them were just intentional lurkers, but it amazed me that at any time there were literally several dozen people actively discussing the best ways to catch and roger a Sailor's Purse, and arguing vehemently with each other over whether sex with dolphins really counted as "Sex With Fish" at all, because they were, like, mammals, you know?

By the time Yahoo took on the egroup, I had lost interest and never really paid attention to it as it grew to around 3000 members. Dolphin Sex was a latecomer (heh) to the party and I did notice round then that a bunch of the pro-mammal posters defected.
posted by meehawl at 11:47 AM on July 20, 2005 [2 favorites]

who wouldn't have prehensile penis envy?

Londo Mollari.

I pray for the poor little flipper baby that's going to be born from such a repugnant sex act. What future will this abominable child have

Presidential advisor?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:51 AM on July 20, 2005

Dolphins??? EWWW! Now, seals....seals are HAWT! I figure seals want it more, also, because I'm always hearing about "seals" and "clubbing" in the news. I mean, Paris Hilton does a lot of clubbing, and she's pretty loose, right? right??

*crickets*
posted by newfers at 11:51 AM on July 20, 2005

Re sex with dolphins: Be careful, they have CRABS!
posted by applemeat at 11:58 AM on July 20, 2005

smack it up, flipper, rub it down....
posted by gnutron at 12:01 PM on July 20, 2005

Walruses, baby. That's where it's at. Like fucking a wet Wilford Brimley.
posted by graventy at 12:05 PM on July 20, 2005

Skeptic: re: Sagan getting molested by Dolphins...

There's a great episode of King of the Hill about that. Luann is working for a country club that has a dolphin and she buys Hank a ticket to swim with it. At first he thinks its lame, then ends up really enjoying it, until the dolphin gets a little horny and molests him. At first Hank is too ashamed to talk about it, but then when he finds out that this dolphin has been molesting numerous people and the club has been hushing it up, he steps forward to charge the animal and club with sexual harassment.
posted by papakwanz at 12:14 PM on July 20, 2005

i dunno.. i kinda think this might be BS.. my mind just doesn't wanna believe it.
posted by pez_LPhiE at 12:15 PM on July 20, 2005

Metafilter: Like fucking a wet Wilford Brimley.
posted by ElvisJesus at 12:16 PM on July 20, 2005

I knew it was coming but I was too slow on the click
posted by ElvisJesus at 12:17 PM on July 20, 2005

smack it up, flipper, rub it down....

Beautiful.
posted by LeeJay at 12:23 PM on July 20, 2005

and don't forget troy mcclure's fetish.
posted by glenwood at 12:35 PM on July 20, 2005

I like that the author feels it's necessary to include: "WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you."
posted by AccordionGuy at 12:40 PM on July 20, 2005

This is timely, given the recent story in the news of a man dying after sex with a horse.

This guy likes to do it with both male and female dolphins... I wonder what his preference with humans is?
posted by BobFrapples at 12:40 PM on July 20, 2005

From the same website: Swimmer Escapes Rape by Dolphin who seem to be swingers

"At first I thought it was pushing me with its flipper but dolphins don't have flippers beneath their bellies," the unidentified swimmer explained.

Heh.

The subject of the fpp enjoys having sex with dolphins, but I wonder if the dolphins he acclimates to intercourse with humans don't go off and cause awkward or frightening situations elsewhere, although it seems dolphins are generally just horny and might very well approach people regardless of previous experience.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 12:40 PM on July 20, 2005

like fucking a wet Wilford Brimley!

It's the right beast to do, and a tasty way to do it.

You ain't had 'tang til you've had orangu-tang.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:45 PM on July 20, 2005

The US Navy has trained dolphins for underwater mine hunting and force protection (link) -- I wonder if they've run into this issue? (or if it's run into them?)
posted by alumshubby at 12:55 PM on July 20, 2005

thus Ariel was born
posted by Hands of Manos at 1:02 PM on July 20, 2005

Walruses, baby. That's where it's at. Like fucking a wet Wilford Brimley.
posted by graventy at 3:05 PM EST on July 20

Man, I needed a good laugh today... and I got one. Thanks, graventy.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 1:26 PM on July 20, 2005

I smell t-shirt!

and it smells like fishy oatmeal
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 1:47 PM on July 20, 2005

I've been pondering a post on AskMe, but it seems like an opportune time to ask here - is consensual sex between species possible?
posted by Wolfdog at 1:53 PM on July 20, 2005

Perry Bible Fellowship: Mermaid Princess
posted by o2b at 2:30 PM on July 20, 2005

This guy likes to do it with both male and female dolphins... I wonder what his preference with humans is?

Don't know why but my bet is the guy's not exactly scoring left and right... I'd be surprised if he could talk to the humans...
posted by Phantast at 2:42 PM on July 20, 2005

Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn ...is that an official name change or is this on his birth certificate? If so I want to a)know where I can get a copy and b)blow it up to poster size and get it framed. If possible I would also like a picture of him sporting his (very likely) coke-bottle lenses and huge bald spot that I can also frame and place right next to his uber-hilarious birth certificate.
posted by RobertFrost at 3:11 PM on July 20, 2005

graventy, even if I could take my brain out of my skull and scrub out that mental image I'd still hate you for putting it there. If quaker oats gives you a woody, please don't tell me about it.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:36 PM on July 20, 2005

is consensual sex between species possible?

Sure, that's how we got Mr. Spock, and Torres on Voyager.

More prosaically, the hard part is figuring out when and how a dumb brute animal such as a cow, halibut, or Ringo Starr, can give meaningful consent.

I put it to you that if you successfully get it on with an animal that has the power to seriously fuck you up if you piss it off, that animal can be said to have sort of consented maybe, *especially* if the animal has giant scary claws or big sharp teeth of chomping. If you come back from the velociraptor pen with a big smile and torn clothing, but all your limbs, it was consensual.

Now if you'll excuse me, Koko want make nice-nice.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:36 PM on July 20, 2005

Consensual sex between species when one of those species can't speak or write or otherwise signal anything but broad emotional states?

No.

Now, Koko might be able to say "Ride'em cowboy" and mean it but unless there's both sentience and the ability to relay consent then I don't see how any animal could consent.

And I do not think a coquettish look counts as consent. So quit eyeing the dog.
posted by fenriq at 3:48 PM on July 20, 2005

is consensual sex between species possible?

That depends on how you define consent, of course. Based on Koko, I could imagine a male ape being taught to sign "jerk me off" (though I also imagine a research lab like that would have trouble with funding). Would that count?
posted by mrgrimm at 3:50 PM on July 20, 2005

"WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you."

I wish somone had posted this earlier.
posted by horsewithnoname at 3:56 PM on July 20, 2005

I met the dolphin of my dreams on eee-eee-ee-eee-ee-ee-eeee-ee-eeee-ee-eee-eeeeharmony.com
posted by notmydesk at 3:59 PM on July 20, 2005

>This guy likes to do it with both male and female dolphins... I wonder what his preference with humans is?

It's probably not well-correlated in general (I think this is documented). Our visual systems see a strong difference between male human and female human shapes, and we may find one shape or the other more attractive. But we have a harder time seeing the difference between the sexes in other species - a female dolphin isn't discernably more "feminine" than a male dolphin; some people are just attracted to "dolphin shapes" and get the same attraction either way.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:04 PM on July 20, 2005

Wasn't the original dolphin sex page determined to be a prank?
posted by mecran01 at 4:05 PM on July 20, 2005

I swam with dolphins years ago as a teenager in Florida, and the one thing the trainer told us absolutely not to do was to rub their undersides. She said they were "very amorous."
posted by deafmute at 4:08 PM on July 20, 2005

Consensual sex between species when one of those species can't speak or write or otherwise signal anything but broad emotional states?

No.

That's a joke, son. A flag-waver. You're built too low! The fast ones go over your head! Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.

You know Miss Prissy was a wildcat... erm... wildhen... in the sack.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:23 PM on July 20, 2005

Based on Koko, I could imagine a male ape being taught to sign "jerk me off" (though I also imagine a research lab like that would have trouble with funding).

Naw, they'd just hire him off to the porn industry as "Ron Jeremy."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:24 PM on July 20, 2005

If I had a prehensile penis I could just have it handle itself.
posted by clevershark at 5:12 PM on July 20, 2005

ROU, how could it be a joke, there was no sideways smileyface?
posted by fenriq at 5:12 PM on July 20, 2005

notmydesk, had I been drinking at the time I read your joke, my nose and I would hate you.
posted by pmbuko at 5:16 PM on July 20, 2005

Wolfdog: is consensual sex between species possible?

Previous discussion. I enjoyed this thread a lot.
posted by painquale at 5:25 PM on July 20, 2005

Thank you for the link. I missed that thread and it is an excellent one.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:34 PM on July 20, 2005

......... did you all read the rest of the site? It's very interesting.
posted by countzen at 5:55 PM on July 20, 2005

countzen writes "did you all read the rest of the site?"

Hell, I didn't actually read anything past the bit about the prehensile penis.
posted by clevershark at 6:06 PM on July 20, 2005

All I could think when I got to the description of the female that if someone could make a sex toy that simulated THAT, he'd be the richest man in history.
posted by InnocentBystander at 6:28 PM on July 20, 2005

You guys ever tried getting your boys washed by a giant barnacle? You have to watch out for their razor-sharp edges, but they have a very tender caress.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:35 PM on July 20, 2005

Dolphin sex - real or myth? Next week on MythBusters!
posted by gregor-e at 6:50 PM on July 20, 2005 [1 favorite]

The original title for the fourth book in the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

So Long and Thanks for All the Hand Jobs.

Badump.

Dolphin sex - real or myth? Next week on MythBusters!

This week is shark week so maybe next week??
posted by spicynuts at 6:56 PM on July 20, 2005

Metafilter: Taking a peek under the peduncle.
posted by Dr. Zira at 7:00 PM on July 20, 2005

notmydesk, that's the damn funniest thing ever.
posted by nep at 8:06 PM on July 20, 2005

notmydesk.

That is a t-shirt!
posted by oddman at 8:18 PM on July 20, 2005

I pray for the poor little flipper baby that's going to be born from such a repugnant sex act.

It was only a FEW flipper babies!
posted by Vidiot at 8:21 PM on July 20, 2005

gregor-e writes "Dolphin sex - real or myth? Next week on MythBusters!"

Hopefully I'll keep channel-surfing right past *that* episode...

What a strange story though. It's not every day one reads about a man having his foot "grabbed" by a female dolphin's vagina (!).
posted by clevershark at 8:52 PM on July 20, 2005

This lends new insight to the relationship between Bud, Sandy, and Flipper.
posted by Goofyy at 1:44 AM on July 21, 2005

A wet Wilford Brimley... GOLD!
posted by bdave at 6:26 AM on July 21, 2005

"Give Grandma lovin', Pretty Baby, give Grandma lovin'."

Seems consensual to me.
posted by Specklet at 12:07 PM on July 21, 2005