Hmmm...vegetarians, peace-loving...now lesbians!!! Goddamn liberal koalas!
posted by agregoli at 2:18 PM on February 26, 2007

Love blossoms for zoo male penguin pair in San Francisco.
posted by ericb at 2:20 PM on February 26, 2007

The dark lord works in mysterious ways.
posted by The God Complex at 2:21 PM on February 26, 2007

There's stories like this all the time, but it was the headline that made this one seem worth posting to me: "Australia rocked by 'lesbian' koala revelation".

I like the image of the streets of Sydney filled with distressed, outraged Aussies shocked at the decadence of koalas.
posted by ibmcginty at 2:25 PM on February 26, 2007

Salon: The Fabulous Kingdom of Gay Animals.

Seed: The Gay Animal Kingdom.

MSNBC: Gay animals out of the closet?

LiveScience: Gay Animals: Alternative Lifestyles in the Wild.
posted by ericb at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2007

It's the cutest sexiest infestation ever.
posted by rxrfrx at 2:29 PM on February 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

Koalas aren't hard they some little bitches.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:30 PM on February 26, 2007 [6 favorites]

Hawt.

/me needs a cold shower
posted by dios at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

An unsettling fact from the article ericb linked to:

Male penguins, noted Tollini, don't have penises. Instead the male penguin must lie on top of the female and do what is called a cloaca kiss.

Tollini said, "It looks kind of like an asshole. They have a multi-purpose hole they use to poo, pee, have sex, and lay eggs."

ewww.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2007

video or stfu!
posted by empath at 2:35 PM on February 26, 2007

Also:

The furry, eucalyptus-eating creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

That seems to undermine any empirical or useful value behind this information.

It's still HAWT, though.
posted by dios at 2:37 PM on February 26, 2007

Perhaps if we release the human gays back into the wild, they'll become straight. I hear that's what they did for Ted Haggart.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:39 PM on February 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

So when is Fred Phelps headed to Oz? I can't wait to see the "God Hates Koalas" signs.
posted by chairface at 2:40 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wow, nature has "unnatural" urges. Who'da thunk it?
posted by lekvar at 2:42 PM on February 26, 2007

But do they have plush girlfriends yet? Because apparently that's the thing now.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:47 PM on February 26, 2007

Bitter-girl, take out a chunk in the middle where it meanders and gets a little repetitive, and that piece would be a perfect 'Reading' for Harper's magazine. Great stuff.
posted by Flashman at 2:48 PM on February 26, 2007

In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

Free of context, I find that line hilarious.
posted by spiderwire at 3:02 PM on February 26, 2007

I like the image of the streets of Sydney filled with distressed, outraged Aussies shocked at the decadence of koalas.

In Mardi Gras week?

I like the image of the streets of Sydney filled with ecstatic, cheering Aussies loving the decadence of GLBTs of all descriptions - dykes on bikes, the marching boys, drag queens & kings, bears, and now, it seems, koalas.

But yeh - the fact that I'm always accosted by koalas collecting for wilderness charities in inner-city queer strongholds like Glebe & Newtown has always led me to suspect that some of them might be homosexual beneath their skin.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:06 PM on February 26, 2007

I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians and the koalas who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen.
posted by brundlefly at 3:07 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

All I know is...those lesbian koalas are going to hell, because it's a choice, dammit!
(sarcasm)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:11 PM on February 26, 2007

In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

That seems to undermine any empirical or useful value behind this information.

I dunno, Mark Steyn types might take it up in their fretting about birth rates.

His argument runs, we in the West are all domesticated and decadent and homosexualish, while wild Arabs are breeding like... I dunno, wild Arabs, I guess he'd say. Or wild Arables, or Islam-o-fascists, or whatever the neologism of the week is.
posted by ibmcginty at 3:12 PM on February 26, 2007

Does this make Australians koala-enablers?
posted by slimepuppy at 3:17 PM on February 26, 2007

I made the exact same observations last time I went to Lilith Fair.
posted by vronsky at 3:19 PM on February 26, 2007

attempt to mate

Um... the implication being what? It's failed heterosexual sex, driven awry by captivity-induced confusion?

Maybe they're just... having sex.
posted by poweredbybeard at 3:20 PM on February 26, 2007

Pity it only happens to koalas in captivity ... [I'm sure the Aussie Conservatives will go on a Koalas Back to the Wild campaign] ... and that too, to only female koalas.

Clearly the male koalas have trouble getting their female counterparts off ... it takes hetero couples twice as long as the lesbian ones ...
posted by Azaadistani at 3:20 PM on February 26, 2007

heh.. diving turtles breath through their ass.. heh
posted by jeffburdges at 3:23 PM on February 26, 2007

and lekvar much as I support that argument, it doesn't work here: they engage in these sapphic trysts only in captivity.

though i wonder whether the males are light in the loafers in the wild.

i also wonder how koalas get it on whether homo or hetero -- aren't they always clinging on to trees, with their genitalia sorta humping the branch they're clinging on to?
posted by Azaadistani at 3:24 PM on February 26, 2007

Biologists were puzzled by a recent koala-stingray conference in Northern Australia. Now we know why they met.
posted by lalochezia at 3:27 PM on February 26, 2007

It's failed heterosexual sex, driven awry by captivity-induced confusion?

obviously, it follows on the standard cinematic theory that whenever girls are placed in prison, the likelihood chance of lesbianism eventually reaches 100%. rate of change doubles if showers are involved. also doubles once over if one of the koala's is also a she-wolf of the SS
posted by bl1nk at 3:32 PM on February 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

Huh. I thought koalas only ate eucalyptus.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:33 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

One theory put forward by the researchers is that the females do it to attract males; another is that it is simply hormonal, or that it is a stress reliever.

I wonder if koala-women-who-love-koala-women resent predominantly hetero koalas making out to attract males.
posted by Phlogiston at 3:34 PM on February 26, 2007

So it¡¯s not just the seagulls then?
posted by Smedleyman at 3:43 PM on February 26, 2007

I saw 2 girl cats do this once, at a party. One was a kitten, the other was older.... Right in the middle of the floor in the living room, in front of everyone.

Have they no shame?
posted by Espoo2 at 3:46 PM on February 26, 2007

Well, that explains why that female koala sent my flowers back.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2007

bl1nk, you read my mind.
posted by Kibbutz at 3:49 PM on February 26, 2007

I wonder if Koalas have anonymous forums they spend time on:

"I'm totally straight, but my best friend and I fooled around last night (we both have pouches). We'd been eating eucalyptus..."
posted by maxwelton at 3:55 PM on February 26, 2007

The furry, eucalyptus-eating creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.

So, exactly like human females, then?
(oh wait. is life not like the movies that come on HBO after midnight?)
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:16 PM on February 26, 2007

Koalas so hot with desire they melt the chains that enslave them!
posted by breezeway at 4:16 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is why Teddy liked 'em gutted and stuffed.
posted by jfuller at 4:21 PM on February 26, 2007

Huh. I thought koalas only ate eucalyptus.

That's true. But they are apparently not averse to drinking from the furry pouch.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:46 PM on February 26, 2007

Hi. Did someone order a pizza, extra eucalyptus?
*cue cheezy bass riff*
Pizza? We didn¡¯t order any pizza...
*baw-chick-baw bawww*
posted by Smedleyman at 4:48 PM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Strange that articles like this don't mention the name of the researchers...

Here's the original article, by the way.

A hot quote:

Thrusting and jerking phases were longest and were of approximately equal length. The delay from neckbite to thrusting, the thrusting phase and the jerking phase were shorter in homosexual than heterosexual mountings, which may relate to the absence of penile intromission and ejaculation.

posted by Jimbob at 4:53 PM on February 26, 2007

Male penguins, noted Tollini, don't have penises. Instead the male penguin must lie on top of the female and do what is called a cloaca kiss.
Tollini said, "It looks kind of like an asshole. They have a multi-purpose hole they use to poo, pee, have sex, and lay eggs."

And you wonder why they're turning to other females?
posted by languagehat at 4:59 PM on February 26, 2007

Huh. So while the koalas slide into decadence and debauchery, the chimps are cowboying up with their newfound mastery of spear-hunting. It won't be long before they sail to Australia in their mighty fleets to overthrow the erstwhile lords of the eucalyptus. Barbarians at the gate!
posted by Midnight Creeper at 5:32 PM on February 26, 2007

Goddam tree huggers.
posted by flabdablet at 5:50 PM on February 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: It's failed heterosexual sex, driven awry by captivity-induced confusion.
posted by rdone at 6:19 PM on February 26, 2007

LOLANIMULS
posted by koeselitz at 6:32 PM on February 26, 2007

They're not doing it for you, you know.

(Except for those college koalas. They're totally being attention whores.)
posted by Cyrano at 6:41 PM on February 26, 2007

Tollini said, "It looks kind of like an asshole. They have a multi-purpose hole they use to poo, pee, have sex, and lay eggs."

I love the language of science. It's so fucking eloquent.
posted by psmealey at 6:52 PM on February 26, 2007

Apropos of the subject:

I recall seeing on TV ages ago about a temple somewhere (Thailand?) that was periodically overrun by rats. The story was the rats were considered semi-sacred and were well fed by the monks / caretakers - which caused a recurring cycle of population explosion -> overcrowding -> homosexuality / cannibalism -> population crash.

Anyone got any details of that particular case? I'm aware of similar cases where population pressure causes "aberrant" behaviour, but for some reason that particular one intrigues me. Every now and then I Google for it, but you can imaging the kind of results that tends to turn up...

It'll make a nice diversion from the images of cannibal lesbian drop-bears that are currently running through my mind.

(Honestly, have some people never learned of the multiple uses of the avian cloaca? I'm stunned - I thought it was something everyone learned and giggled about in primary school.)
posted by Pinback at 8:31 PM on February 26, 2007

one word:

KOALAROTICA
posted by Parannoyed at 8:39 PM on February 26, 2007

On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole...

Wait, wait, wait -- I thought they were lesbians!
posted by davejay at 8:51 PM on February 26, 2007

I recall seeing on TV ages ago about a temple somewhere (Thailand?) that was periodically overrun by rats. The story was the rats were considered semi-sacred and were well fed by the monks / caretakers - which caused a recurring cycle of population explosion -> overcrowding -> homosexuality / cannibalism -> population crash.

Anyone got any details of that particular case?

You are probably thinking of the Karni Mata Temple, near Bikaner, Rajasthan, India.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:52 PM on February 26, 2007

Honestly, have some people never learned of the multiple uses of the avian cloaca?

Or multiple names. On a chicken, the cloaca is also known as the "Pope's nose", right?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:56 PM on February 26, 2007

Pinback, I was marginally involved with some work on Yellow Bellied Gliders a few years back. A population of just a few (5 I think) animals were confined to a tiny remnant patch of forest, surrounded by pine plantations, through which they could not migrate. And we observed adult males sharing dens with other adult males - something unheard about in more natural, connected populations. Kind of a prison thing...
posted by Jimbob at 9:22 PM on February 26, 2007

...either that, or they just wanted to find some quiet neck of the woods where the others wouldn't piss all over their lifestyle choices.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:34 PM on February 26, 2007

The punchline of that joke about the koala and the hooker seems very appropriate: "Don't you know the definition of koala? Eats bush and leaves."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:15 AM on February 27, 2007

koala porn.
posted by global3420 at 7:45 AM on February 27, 2007

News flash: Many critters will try to screw anything that moves. Film at 11.
posted by drstein at 9:08 AM on February 27, 2007

All these posts, and no one has yet mentioned that Bonobos do this all the time -- in the wild. It's part of their basic social organization.

Hyenas have some pretty weird sex practices, too. And equipment. All female hyenas have this enormous false-penis -- the things look really freaky (they have big flat triangular heads on them). The really fun thing, is that males have them, too, in addition to their actual penises. Dominance relations are established by who has to lick whose false-penis.
posted by lodurr at 10:42 AM on February 27, 2007

It¡¯s the Aussie version of Tatu.
*rimshot*

...no? nothing? Ach. No one caught the lesbian seagull thing either. No image tag¡¯s killing me.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:14 PM on February 27, 2007

"FLLLLYYYYYYYYY, lesbian seagull!"

OK, so I didn't get it until you made me think about it. So sue me.
posted by lodurr at 1:42 PM on February 27, 2007